Seeing Blood

I don't know who I am.  I think I am No One. I just know that I like to see blood.  I use to cut to see the blood and they didn't like the scars.  I like the scars.  Now I pick at my body so there are scabs where no one can see them.  I pick at the scabs until they bleed.  I like seeing the blood on tissue.  They have cut the bodies nails very short so I can't do it.  Littlebit thought that Leah was doing it.  Leah though that Littlebit was doing it.  They don't know I am doing it.  I don't know who I am.  I wish I was dead.  I want to take lots of pills and alcohol.  But we have neither.  I like seeing my blood.  Maybe that will keep me living.

No one

Oh the Mood Swings

This is Mariah.  I had a nice Christmas.  My sister came to stay with us for 5 days.  My dogs loved her...especially Bailey.

I may have that the doctor took me off all anti-psychotics.  I was find for the first 1 1/2 months then I started having dips.  The dips into depression were sudden and made me feel suicidal.  Kat told our therapist that she was not a danger to herself because she didn't have the means to commit suicide and her MO was pills. Leah and Angela can't stand being in a fat body.I am searching out peace of mind.  I want to be able to share it with Angela , Leah, and Kat 

We went up 5 pounds from a med the doctor put us on...it was right after we lost 5 pounds.  Then recently we went up another 5 pounds just because.  I can't just keep gaining weight!

Right now I am having a downward swing and I feel like crawling into bed and staying there for a while.  Would that be so bad?

I hope all of you are doing well and respond if you want.  That would be great.