Jeff Gutt is "Feeling Good" - THE X FACTOR USA 2013

Jeff Gutt stands alone and rocks "Without You" - THE X FACTOR USA 2013

Alex & Sierra "Say Something" in an unplugged performance! - THE X FACTO...

Here We Go Again

This is Kat.  Another mood swing and down I go.  I always know I am having one because I get this sinking feeling and often I just get the thought of wanting to die.  I start thinking about how I can combine my meds to make myself sleep for a long time.  This tells me there is something definitely wrong.

I am also getting tons of headaches.  Daily headaches.  It is starting to wear on me.  I have to watch how much headache med I take because it is possible to get rebound headaches.  That is just a viscous cycle.

I am just so tired. 

I Need Sleep!!

I am Leah.  It has been very hard lately.  The body is not sleeping.  Everyone thinks it is because of a new cancer drug we are taking that causes insomnia.  Patients and the pharmacists says it can cause insomnia but the doctor says it can't.  We think the doctor does not want to admit it.  We goes nights without sleep.  Even Trazadone does not get us to sleep.  This is the last drug I can try.  The doctor said I could go off the drug but it would double our chances of relapsing.  DID symptoms get worse without sleep.  Mariah is working when we don't sleep.  She can work at Oranum anytime she can get make-up on.

Someone is damaging the body and it is NOT me.  They are hurting the chest.  They are getting up in the middle of the night and damaging the body.  Finally, Littlebit came out and told Katz cause no one else was going to.  Katz immediately wanted to hospitalize.  Kat hurriedly came out and told her that we were not suicidal and intensive outptt was not nec.  Katz put us on Abilify and increased the Prozac which made her fill better.  I don't think anything is gonna help till we can lose weight and get off this fucking med.  This is Kat.

I hate pink print.  I am fairly discouraged.  That's it folks.  Oh and we are depressed but not so much that someone else would notice it.  It is just hard to take a shower, hard to keep focus, etc

It' Been Difficult Lately. So Much Chaos

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Hi all,

As you all know  our system has had tons of therapy in our 30 and part or our 40s.  And please excuse us if we are not perfectionist about spelling and grammar and such like we usually are.  It is late and I think the cancer meds are making our eyes blurry.  So seeing is hard.  But I need to talk abut this.  The system has had tons of therapy with someone that was good but that did not believe in getting us on meds for possible Bipoloar Disorder.  I will never understand that.  I started those, thankfully, in my mid whatever's.  I am older now and pretty stable...for the most part.

Well, at the end of seeing Janet, who dealt with the abuse and the DID we were incorporated and working well together.  We were not fuses and didn not want to be fused.  We had a government system and it worked.  If someone wanted to do something a little different then it needed to be approved by the people on the governing board.  And that we all agree upon.

Then when the body was 48 it got breast Cancer.  A 5 mm tumor.  Non invasive to the lymph glands (thank goddess and god).  We had a lumpectomy, radiation and started on a 5 year pill.  The pill is poison.  It made the body gain 30 pounds in 2 months.  Leah and Angela and Kat freaked out and we relapsed with an eating disorder tghat we had in our teens and 20s.  It seems Leah and Angela have most of the control when it comes to food and eating.  The rest of use seem to be at their mercy.  We put in our opinions but it does not do much good.  What does do good is the excruciating headaches from starving and the joint aches.  We can't exercise because there is just no energy.  To make a long story shorter, there seems to be a complete breakdown of the organization that once was.  Chaos reigns.  An example of this:  Mariah was working her psychic shift and was on webcam.  She was in a private reading.  The phone rang from another company that we also work.  We should haave let it rung and lost the call because we were already with a client.  But suddenly Kat popped out and picked up the phone WHILE SHE WAS ON CAMERA.  Mariah came back out and disconnected us, Kat came out and finished the phone call.  The psychic client left bad feedback that the bosses did not allow on my profile page and they are trying to fix it but I could have lost my  job.  tHIS SHIT CAN'T HAPPEN.  Things are crazy in here.

I love my therapist but she is not gonna know what to do with this and I have to find out what to do to gain some control.  Ever since the cancer and the ED relapse the system has been in chaos.  I am really surprised that we are not losing time.  I love my therapist and have had her for a long time but, I think I may need to get someone trained in DID.

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far).  Suggestions are helpful.

Kat et al

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This is Littlebit dancing in her dreams.

Hidden Helen

This is very hard for me to write about.  It is very hard for any of us to write about.  It is very hard for any of us to think about.  The core Helen is so damaged that she is hidden far inside the psyche where no one can ever reach her or get to her to do any amount of damage.  She is guarded by the Old One who first came to Helen way before Helen was incarnated into this body.  Helen had chosen the life that she was to have and it was arranged that she was to have a Helper to stand by her to make sure she stayed safe when she regressed and could not take care of herself.I feel such sadness as I type this.  My poor Helen.  That she would have to do this in order to survive.  Many little ones came to take over because Helen just could not fathom what was going on in front of her eyes.  Her soul could not bear it.When did Mariah come?  Is that why she can deal with such paranormal things...things that she does not even know she can deal with yet?  I feel so sad as I write this...so sad.  My grief envelops me.  It threatens to take me out to sea and drown me.  But others remind me that these are just feelings and they can't hurt me.  It is what I do with them.  They can make me strong.  The Old One will be here to make the feelings go away if they start to influence Helen.  It guards her.  I can't say anymore for now  It is enough.  This is Mariah

Littlebit Can Read!

Littlebit can read!  Can you believe it?  Well I can't.  This is Kat.  She is awesome.  We have a mutual fan club.  She wants to be just like me when she gets big and I want to be just like her now.  She has a heart of gold.  She is so funny.  Her compassion is rivaled only by the compassion of Mariaha's.  However, Littlebit is very interested in gross stuff.  Yes that's right she is interested in gross stuff.  Like, what is under a scab?...what is snot?...Why does it feel so good to poop sometimes?...What makes a dead person dead?...What happens to the body after it becomes dead?...Why does a cut bleed a lot at first and then stop?  She likes to look at things bleeding.  She is not one of our cutters but she does not mind it.  She is very interested in the medical field and is very upset that the body is too old to go to medical school and that we are not good enough in math to study medicine.  She is more interested in Physiology then Anatomy but she is very interested in anatomy too.  The husband got her a book on anatomy and that is how she found out she could read.  She was reading to him.  She shocked herself when she realized that we were not reading for her.  I think that is wonderful.

About the headaches.  I am still getting them daily.  Mariah is shielding differently.  We are taking preventory meds to stop the migraines.  We still get the tension headaches daily.  I am still depressed because of how they are interfering with our lives.  But we will figure it out.

Littlebit can read!

This is our Power Animal.  It protects us.  Gives me fangs and claws when I am threatened in any way.

My lovee Chopper.  Rescued the day before he was set to be killed.

 Bailey, he was an escape artist with high energy.  2 families returned him to the shelter.  Not us.  He is a joy.

Max the Cat.  He use to fit in the palm of my hand and fed from a bottle.  He was found in a dryer duct.

Headaches

Mariah here.  I am really being affected by all the headaches and insomnia that I am having.  The headaches are what is really bothering me.  I am not sure why I am getting them.  Could be the Fibromyalgia, or the eating too little, or the lack of sleep, or the left over energy of people.  I talke to my doctor today and she is increasing my preventative migraine meds.  She is confident that when we get to a therapeutic dosage that it will help.  She is also giving me Zomig for breakthrough pain.  I am hoping it all helps.  I continue to take Tramadol and Fioricet.

I am going off Effexor (gradually) for the depression and increasing Prozac as per my shrink's request.  She thinks the Effexor might be causing the headaches but I doubt it.

Everything else is going well.  I am just so tired.

Mariah Speaks

This is Mariah.
It feels like forever since I blogged.  We have been doing pretty well.  Sleep is still hard.  My doctor says I have "poor sleep hygiene"  I am now trying to get up at a certain time and go to bed at a certain time.  Kat always wants to stay up later and Littlebit wants to sleep late.  It's a battle no good person should have to fight. 

 After we started to come out of the depression we started to get manic from the small amount of Zoloft our doctor put us on.  So we halved that and started sleeping better and not spending so much money.  Now, today,she put us on 10 mg Prozac instead of the Zoloft.  Oh!  And she did say someday she could see us on Tryptofan and that is all.  She said we would know when it was time.  Right now we are still too up and down.  Also, I think we had an allergic reaction to the Zoloft.  We developed a rash.

Okay, gotta get this body to bed.

Thanks for reading,]
Mariah

So Good! Will I Jinx it?

Kat and Littlebit love Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.  Littlebit like them in their clothes.  I could take them in or out.  LOL  And littlebit and Angela and Mariah love dance.

Mariah and I are still feeling no depression.  I am Kat.  It feels good not to be depressed.  When I went in to see my psy doc, she said that I seem a bit "animated".  I have not been sleeping well and she said that it could be a sign of the manic phase.  I did not bother to tell her that Mariah is the usual one that sees her and she is calm and peaceful and talks slow.  I AM animated and I do talk fast and I am cheery.  But still I am watchful and notice that I MIGHT be talking a bit fast and I MIGHT be buying a bit too much.  I like to buy cosmetics and I found Elf on the web and it has amazing prices.  But there is no return policy just replacement if you get a damaged item.  The eye shadows are great and they are amazingly inexpensive but not cheap.

We are still getting major, daily headaches that are effecting work.  Now I am getting neck pain with the headaches.  As Littlebit would say, "These headaches are causing me emotional problems."  LOL  So tired of them.

Anyway, that's been what is going on. I am soooo happy not to be depressed I want to dance!

Kat

Better Now

We are feeling better now.  Lean actually came out to talk to Lisa in therapy.  I am so glad she did. I am hoping that Angela, Leah, and I can all deal with the eating disorder because I think that the lack of food intake is affecting the depression.  However, there is no depression...or not much.  I am so grateful.

That's all I really wanna say.  Oh this is Kat.

How much clearer can I  be in what I want?

Why I don't want to commit suicide.

I do not want to commit suicide because that would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I do not want to commit suicide because I don't want my significant other to have to find me.

I do not want to commit suicide because I am NOT a quitter and I don't give up

I do not want to abandon my dogs and cat and significant other and sister.

I do not want to commit suicide because I can not find the perfect method of fast and little pain with a low rate of failure.

I do not want to commit suicide because this depression will end.

This is Kat 

Such Bullshit

This is Kat.  Angela is exerting her power.  We are restricting even more.  Lots of headaches.

Went and saw my psych today and let her know the meds were not working and that I was really depressed.  She added a med and asked if I was suicidal.  I told her yes.  She asked if I had a plan and I said no.  I later told her that if the depression continues I most likely will be more suicidal.  She told me she wanted me in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)  I tried to get out of it but she was pretty intent.  She said if my depression got worse I might need to go inpatient for a few days to make sure a crisis didn't happen.  I think a crisis is already happening.  She wanted me to call when I got home and I did.  I got the process started.  I am hoping my insurance covers it.

She asked me what kept me from hurting myself.  I told her this is a temporary condition that does not need a permanent solution like suicide. But if Angela or Leah get in control this philosophy may go out the window.  However we can control Leah in not allowing her to cut the body perhaps we could control if she attempted suicide.

As you can see by my pictures, I am confused as to my thinking.  I am trying to be positive but I am still feeling the affects of the eating disorder that I, Kat, carries.

I Don't Want to Eat Anything Anymore

This is Angela.  It is the first time I have posted in this blog.  I don't come out very much.  I am tired all the time.  

I have decided that I don't want to eat anything anymore.  I will eat enough to control the headaches minimally but that is it.  I am too fat and ugly to eat anything.  It is all gluttony and I don't deserve it.  My life is filled with depression and I am lost.  I want to cut myself so bad but the others won't let me.  They seem to have control over that.  I don't know how much control I will have with not eating anything.  The husband may get in the way of it.  But I am stubborn and strong willed and I will win.

This body is so fat and disgusting.  I can't believe the body is so old.  When did that happen?

I think I will make this print blue.  I like blue.

I have been able to look at Tumblr a lot lately.  I love looking at the thinsperation.  I want to be so thin that I disappear and no one can see me.  So no one can look at me.  They tell me I need to come out and talk to Lisa but that scares me.  What if she puts me in the hospital?  The body is so fat right now and the medicine controls the fatness.  I would gain so much if I ate what they want me too.  Lisa says I am starving but I don't think so.

That's it.

Downard She Goes

This is Kat.  I am having another downward mood swing.  I can always tell cause I get this sinking feeling and I suddenly keep thinking about how much I want to die.  I start thinking about how I can combine my meds to make me sleep for a long time...like forever.

These headaches are driving me up the wall.  Daily.  I can't take too much headache meds or I will start to get rebound headaches and that is just a horrible cycle.

I am sooo tired.  

Can anyone understand?

MOOD SWINGS!

Mariah here.  We are having massive mood swings.  It seems that anything can take us from an okay moon back down into depression.  Littlebit and I are finally crying.  Good cries.  It has been at least a year or 2 since we have cried.  I wish we could cry more.  It helps so much.

We are getting headaches daily due to lack of food.  Or it may due to the Fibromyalgia.  So discouraging.  I feel trapped.  It prevents me from doing my intuitive counseling on a timely basis.  But I am honest and my clients seem to understand when their readings may be delayed.  I just hate not being dependable.

I am grieved.  I feel guilty.  The Evil One had to do some horrible stuff or she was convinced she did them.  Either way it is the same results. Sometimes I wish we were dead.  I want freedom.  But I know that what I don't complete in this lifetime I will have to complete in the next lifetime.  I want to get it in this lifetime.

 I sometimes prefer to hide.  It makes it all seem bearable.

I prefer the happy face

The magic button — Make Everything OK

The magic button — Make Everything OK  

I found it...no more DID or eating disorder or bipolar depression.  I am free!

More Depression

This is Mariah.  We have been feeling some depression lately.  It is making us sleep more.  The meds are making the fairly easy.  We just got done telling the doctor that we were feeling stable.  The next day it went to hell. I have having a Mood Disorder.  I wonder if the Effexor is still working.

Talking to the Therapist

This is Leah.  So now they are saying that Angela and I need to talk to Lisa.  They say it will lessen the chance of going into inpatient care.  I know that inpatient care is not a probability because the cancer medicine is still making us overweight.  We can starve all we want and can't lose.  Well that is not all the way true.  I have lost 5 pounds just by eating even less that I already ate.  Between 500 and 700 cals per day.  I also want to drink a fruit drink a little before I exercise and then do a work out on the elliptical.  This will help me lose.  So maybe I will talk to Lisa on the condition that I don't have to stop my eating habits and I can exercise.

Leah

A little at a Time

This is Leah I am one of the ones that holds the eating disorder.  I also take laxatives.  I also...along with Angela try not to tell people how much we eat

I am slowly trying to introduce foods into my diet that will increase calories without increasing fat and sugar.  Angela hates this effort.  Kat is helping me.  I am going to talk to Lisa about what I can add next that will be good for me.  Lisa is my therapist.  Mariah is proud of us us for trying and says that we can monitor how the weight goes.  We can always stop if it starts to make us gain weight.

What do any of you think?  Any opinions?

Food, Weight, Pain Bahhhhh

I pulled my back out and I am in pain.  I took lots of pills tonight to give me relief and help me sleep.  But my need to blog kept calling me.

Having a down swing.  Since last night.  Leah was very much wanting to hurt the body.  She really does now.  We listened to a documentary about The Perfect Human Diet and it sounded right.   I would have to change the little I ate.  It says to eat more lean meats, more green veggies, and a little fruit and low carbs.  This is how primitives used to eat and it was a time when homosapians were at their healthiest.  I would have to give up all of the little I ate.

My weight continues to rise from the cancer medicine.  While I am grateful for being cancer free and that med is helping me, I am also prediabetic from the extra weight.  It is also making my bones weaker.  I am gonna have to talk to my doctor again.

Leah came out and talked to Lisa for the first time ever.  So great.  She really feels like harming the body...big time.   She wants to use laxatives.  She is going to use laxatives.