A little at a Time

This is Leah I am one of the ones that holds the eating disorder.  I also take laxatives.  I also...along with Angela try not to tell people how much we eat

I am slowly trying to introduce foods into my diet that will increase calories without increasing fat and sugar.  Angela hates this effort.  Kat is helping me.  I am going to talk to Lisa about what I can add next that will be good for me.  Lisa is my therapist.  Mariah is proud of us us for trying and says that we can monitor how the weight goes.  We can always stop if it starts to make us gain weight.

What do any of you think?  Any opinions?

Food, Weight, Pain Bahhhhh

I pulled my back out and I am in pain.  I took lots of pills tonight to give me relief and help me sleep.  But my need to blog kept calling me.

Having a down swing.  Since last night.  Leah was very much wanting to hurt the body.  She really does now.  We listened to a documentary about The Perfect Human Diet and it sounded right.   I would have to change the little I ate.  It says to eat more lean meats, more green veggies, and a little fruit and low carbs.  This is how primitives used to eat and it was a time when homosapians were at their healthiest.  I would have to give up all of the little I ate.

My weight continues to rise from the cancer medicine.  While I am grateful for being cancer free and that med is helping me, I am also prediabetic from the extra weight.  It is also making my bones weaker.  I am gonna have to talk to my doctor again.

Leah came out and talked to Lisa for the first time ever.  So great.  She really feels like harming the body...big time.   She wants to use laxatives.  She is going to use laxatives.

Seeing Blood

I don't know who I am.  I think I am No One. I just know that I like to see blood.  I use to cut to see the blood and they didn't like the scars.  I like the scars.  Now I pick at my body so there are scabs where no one can see them.  I pick at the scabs until they bleed.  I like seeing the blood on tissue.  They have cut the bodies nails very short so I can't do it.  Littlebit thought that Leah was doing it.  Leah though that Littlebit was doing it.  They don't know I am doing it.  I don't know who I am.  I wish I was dead.  I want to take lots of pills and alcohol.  But we have neither.  I like seeing my blood.  Maybe that will keep me living.

No one

Oh the Mood Swings

This is Mariah.  I had a nice Christmas.  My sister came to stay with us for 5 days.  My dogs loved her...especially Bailey.

I may have that the doctor took me off all anti-psychotics.  I was find for the first 1 1/2 months then I started having dips.  The dips into depression were sudden and made me feel suicidal.  Kat told our therapist that she was not a danger to herself because she didn't have the means to commit suicide and her MO was pills. Leah and Angela can't stand being in a fat body.I am searching out peace of mind.  I want to be able to share it with Angela , Leah, and Kat 

We went up 5 pounds from a med the doctor put us on...it was right after we lost 5 pounds.  Then recently we went up another 5 pounds just because.  I can't just keep gaining weight!

Right now I am having a downward swing and I feel like crawling into bed and staying there for a while.  Would that be so bad?

I hope all of you are doing well and respond if you want.  That would be great.

I can't sleep again tonight because of a headache.  I have taken enough meds to knock the shit out of it.  But still it persists.  I go see Lisa tomorrow and I am going to discuss with her how distressed Leah, Angela, and I are about not losing weight.  I have to eat between 600 - 700 to see a weight change.  Then I feel sick all the time.  I am so discouraged.  I need to start exercising but without the fuel it is very hard to do it.  Many years ago I would have done it anyway.  This body is not as young as it was when we had the ED before so many years ago.  I will continue to try.

I'd love to hear from you all.

Nov. and Dec...Hard

This is Kat.  This month and last month has been hard.  I had to switch my meds again and the new meds caused blurred vision, a weak bladder, and a 5 pound gain.  I quickly stop taking that but the 5 lbs. have not gone away.  While I am on this cancer med it is very hard for me to lose.  My therapist is so busy that I sometimes can't get into see her when I need to.  I know these meds help and make my life livable but it sometimes feels like I am not in control.

The eating thing is still the same.  Been trying to eat a few more nuts because of the good fat and protein.

Been very tired lately.  Not sleeping well at nights and then still tired during the day.  This could be due to anything from medication to Fibro.  So I have no clue.  I need to go to bed now.  

Nite,
Kat

Hi Everybody!

We have not posted lately because, quite frankly, no one had he energy to do it.  I am finally off Geodon and the heartburn is gone.  I lost 5 pounds, started taking a new med and I gained 5 pounds.  I went back down to 1 mg where I don't gain weight.  I found out that we are pre-diabetic and I need to exercise more.  I became pre-diabetic with the onset of the extra weight with the cancer meds.  I am thinking that when I get off these meds and start losing weight that things will change. Oh this is Kat btw.  Mariah is all upset about all this but, I seem to take it in stride.  Lisa, my therapist, actually knew that I was not out because I was not reacting as myself.  Mariah said that she was the one that was out.  Way to go Lisa!

I went to see the doctor and got so irritated with her because she just kept saying, "You need to eat more."  She said this several times.  Finally I said emphatically,  I know I need to eat more but, I can't right now.  I have an eating disorder that won't let me.  It's very easy to say eat more and hard to do it.  She got it and changed her approach,  To discussing what I might be able to eat...like a half of a chicken breast.  She is a good doctor and is trying.  She acknowledged my worry that when I get off these meds in a year or 2 that I am going to really lose weight.  Leah and Angela are so into that.  I am but I worry more than anything.  We could get emaciated so easily,. I, Kat, am scared.  The only ones that are not scared are Leah and Angela.

I am talking to my oncologist, who I see this month, about being pre-diabetic because of this drug and the weight gain.  Is it still important that I continue taking it?  I feel so torn.  This could be the e.d. in me not wanting to take it.  On the other hand I don't want to get cancer again.

So you see we have been going though some things.  Sometimes it is hard to write about them

Kat

 

This is me right now.

 This is how we are most of the time.