Such Bullshit

This is Kat.  Angela is exerting her power.  We are restricting even more.  Lots of headaches.

Went and saw my psych today and let her know the meds were not working and that I was really depressed.  She added a med and asked if I was suicidal.  I told her yes.  She asked if I had a plan and I said no.  I later told her that if the depression continues I most likely will be more suicidal.  She told me she wanted me in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)  I tried to get out of it but she was pretty intent.  She said if my depression got worse I might need to go inpatient for a few days to make sure a crisis didn't happen.  I think a crisis is already happening.  She wanted me to call when I got home and I did.  I got the process started.  I am hoping my insurance covers it.

She asked me what kept me from hurting myself.  I told her this is a temporary condition that does not need a permanent solution like suicide. But if Angela or Leah get in control this philosophy may go out the window.  However we can control Leah in not allowing her to cut the body perhaps we could control if she attempted suicide.

As you can see by my pictures, I am confused as to my thinking.  I am trying to be positive but I am still feeling the affects of the eating disorder that I, Kat, carries.

I Don't Want to Eat Anything Anymore

This is Angela.  It is the first time I have posted in this blog.  I don't come out very much.  I am tired all the time.  

I have decided that I don't want to eat anything anymore.  I will eat enough to control the headaches minimally but that is it.  I am too fat and ugly to eat anything.  It is all gluttony and I don't deserve it.  My life is filled with depression and I am lost.  I want to cut myself so bad but the others won't let me.  They seem to have control over that.  I don't know how much control I will have with not eating anything.  The husband may get in the way of it.  But I am stubborn and strong willed and I will win.

This body is so fat and disgusting.  I can't believe the body is so old.  When did that happen?

I think I will make this print blue.  I like blue.

I have been able to look at Tumblr a lot lately.  I love looking at the thinsperation.  I want to be so thin that I disappear and no one can see me.  So no one can look at me.  They tell me I need to come out and talk to Lisa but that scares me.  What if she puts me in the hospital?  The body is so fat right now and the medicine controls the fatness.  I would gain so much if I ate what they want me too.  Lisa says I am starving but I don't think so.

That's it.

Downard She Goes

This is Kat.  I am having another downward mood swing.  I can always tell cause I get this sinking feeling and I suddenly keep thinking about how much I want to die.  I start thinking about how I can combine my meds to make me sleep for a long time...like forever.

These headaches are driving me up the wall.  Daily.  I can't take too much headache meds or I will start to get rebound headaches and that is just a horrible cycle.

I am sooo tired.  

Can anyone understand?

MOOD SWINGS!

Mariah here.  We are having massive mood swings.  It seems that anything can take us from an okay moon back down into depression.  Littlebit and I are finally crying.  Good cries.  It has been at least a year or 2 since we have cried.  I wish we could cry more.  It helps so much.

We are getting headaches daily due to lack of food.  Or it may due to the Fibromyalgia.  So discouraging.  I feel trapped.  It prevents me from doing my intuitive counseling on a timely basis.  But I am honest and my clients seem to understand when their readings may be delayed.  I just hate not being dependable.

I am grieved.  I feel guilty.  The Evil One had to do some horrible stuff or she was convinced she did them.  Either way it is the same results. Sometimes I wish we were dead.  I want freedom.  But I know that what I don't complete in this lifetime I will have to complete in the next lifetime.  I want to get it in this lifetime.

 I sometimes prefer to hide.  It makes it all seem bearable.

I prefer the happy face

The magic button — Make Everything OK

The magic button — Make Everything OK  

I found it...no more DID or eating disorder or bipolar depression.  I am free!

More Depression

This is Mariah.  We have been feeling some depression lately.  It is making us sleep more.  The meds are making the fairly easy.  We just got done telling the doctor that we were feeling stable.  The next day it went to hell. I have having a Mood Disorder.  I wonder if the Effexor is still working.

Talking to the Therapist

This is Leah.  So now they are saying that Angela and I need to talk to Lisa.  They say it will lessen the chance of going into inpatient care.  I know that inpatient care is not a probability because the cancer medicine is still making us overweight.  We can starve all we want and can't lose.  Well that is not all the way true.  I have lost 5 pounds just by eating even less that I already ate.  Between 500 and 700 cals per day.  I also want to drink a fruit drink a little before I exercise and then do a work out on the elliptical.  This will help me lose.  So maybe I will talk to Lisa on the condition that I don't have to stop my eating habits and I can exercise.

Leah