Smoking

This is KAT.  I feel really guilty.  We started doing a volunteer training thing and there were people there who smoked.  A couple of times a mooched a cigarette off of people and it got me started again.  I bought a pack.  I have vowed that when that pack is gone I will not buy another.  This is a temporary thing.  I am hoping and praying that there will be no negative consequences to this...health wise.  I keep getting signs that I should stop but, I really want to finish this pack otherwise it will bother me that I didn't.  It makes no sense.I feel like such a failure.

Much Better

KAT...I am definitely starting to feel much better.  Mariah can do readings now and I am starting to get my sense of humor, laughter, and sarcasm back.  Actually that is already back and not just starting.  I am grateful.  No swallowing problems.  Hopefully Abilify will not make us gain weight.

Really Trying

KAT...I am really fighting to stay strong.  The Abilify got increased to 10 mg today so I will have to be dealing with not being able to swallow food very easily.  That's fine.  I just want want to eat as much.  I am so hoping it works quickly cause I am losing hope.  How can I keep living with these mood swings and all that goes with them.  Soooo tired.  I have to find some hope.  There is always hope asl long as I am alive.  I want these pictures to convey hope.

This isn't working!

Kat...I am going back down and it is affecting Littlebit.  It seems the 5 mg of Abilify is just not enough to keep me out of the deep.  I am suicidal.  I have group today and don't know how I am going to function.  I just want to sit and stare or lay and sleep.  So tired.  Not sleeping well.  I tired emotionally and physically.  Isn't it time for this to be over???  Mariah and KC say no.  Leah and Angela are not so sure.  Leah wants to self harm.  One foot in front of the other.  I want to be back where I felt normal.  So the Abilify made it so where I choked easy...I will just have to make sure either I don't eat or I am careful of swallowing.  But I was choking on my spit...how gross is that?  There has got to be humor in all this!  I can't seem to find it.  No pictures today.  Sorry

Hello Again

Hi this is Mariah.  About 2 months ago we had to switch from Abilify because our insurance was being weird.  So I basically went off it cold turkey.  I fell into a deep depression.  We tried Busbar and that did nothing for the long term.  So then we went back on Abilify with new insurance.  I am taking a lower dose as the higher dose seemed to make me choke when I swallowed.  The deep depression lasted 1 1/2 - 2 months and I was having suicidal thoughts.  Then the Abilify kicked in and I started feeling better.  That started last week.  But you know what?  The suicidal thoughts have not gone away.  I don't understand it.  I am never suicidal unless I am depressed.  But I think I may be going back under.  God help!!!  It seems so hopeless if I am going to have to stay on this medication my whole life.  And I hate to think that I will always struggle with these ups and downs.  And during this last depression I could not do readings!  My therapist agreed with me that I should go on Disability.  I hate that!!!!!  I am so tired emotionally.  And I am not sleeping right.  I am so discouraged.  God please make me strong!!!  Is there a God?  Does this God care?  Sarah says yes He loves us very much.  But I have my doubts.  I feel so alone.

WW is Bullshit

We have been doing WW for a few months now and I am stuck at a loss of 5 lbs.  I want to restrict so badly.  This is Leah btw.  Why can't I just starve?  They say it is because we have to keep our metabolism up.  We were exercising but technical difficulties with the car got in the way of that.  I don't know how long I can do this WW thing without restricting.

Trying Something Different

This is Leah.  We are doing Weight Watchers now and they seem to think that will help us get rid of the ED.  Getting up to the allotted points is scarey.  I like to stay under.  Also going to EDA...Eating Disorders Anonymous.  That is good.  I am scared.  What if they just get rid of me and Angela?  What if they don't need me anymore?  Even as I type this Mariah is telling me that we will always be needed as a gauge to stay healthy.  I hope this is true and not a trick.  Maybe I will talk to Lisa about this.  I wish I could dance again but the body is too big.  All for now.