Hello Again

Hi this is Mariah.  About 2 months ago we had to switch from Abilify because our insurance was being weird.  So I basically went off it cold turkey.  I fell into a deep depression.  We tried Busbar and that did nothing for the long term.  So then we went back on Abilify with new insurance.  I am taking a lower dose as the higher dose seemed to make me choke when I swallowed.  The deep depression lasted 1 1/2 - 2 months and I was having suicidal thoughts.  Then the Abilify kicked in and I started feeling better.  That started last week.  But you know what?  The suicidal thoughts have not gone away.  I don't understand it.  I am never suicidal unless I am depressed.  But I think I may be going back under.  God help!!!  It seems so hopeless if I am going to have to stay on this medication my whole life.  And I hate to think that I will always struggle with these ups and downs.  And during this last depression I could not do readings!  My therapist agreed with me that I should go on Disability.  I hate that!!!!!  I am so tired emotionally.  And I am not sleeping right.  I am so discouraged.  God please make me strong!!!  Is there a God?  Does this God care?  Sarah says yes He loves us very much.  But I have my doubts.  I feel so alone.