this is littlebit theyare helping mr to type ihave a very bad hedach my fac huts i lik purplr i lik doin this i am hungy bye

So Happy

I am so happy.   Oh and this is Mariah.  I am "investigating" learning online at a university called the University of Metaphysical Sciences.  They have a great payment plan and one that I can afford.  I work from home and so I would have time to do my lessons and listen to the audio stuff.  This has been the most interested I have been in anything for a long time.  Kat does the metal stamping, and dispatch stuff.  I do a little intuitive work...as much as I can but , not enough.  Angela and Leah have the food thing.  But I am excited abut this idea.  We used to be in college and got degrees and stuff but that was a while ago.  I want more.  I also make the jewelry except for the stamping.  I just had to share that with you all.

 

These  pics are from: ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com  BTW  I would love to get a butterfly tat.

They ate the Damn Cake!

This is Angela.  They didn't eat ALL of it but they ate 3 fucking bites of it.  It is very discouraging when I am trying to lose weight off this body and they feed it shit.  How the hell am I suppose to lose weight?  Kat and Littlebit ate it.  I am really going to try and starve.  I need to lose weight so fucking bad.  If the body was not on those cancer meds we would be so much lower in weight.  I can't deal with fat body.  And we have not exercised today!  They are telling me that there is still time.  Grrr!  No one listens to me!  They ate 3 bites of a piece of cake!

Pictures from : http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com

 I want to list the names of our selves.  

• Kat who used to be called The Angry One.  If I had the energy I would over-exercise.  I have an eating disorder.  

• KC who is very logical and can deal with contracts. 

• Mariah who use to be called The Intuitive One.  She does all the readings and is touchy feely. 

• Littlebit who is a combination of Penut and Sprout...she is a child but, she is growing up.  

• Wennabee who is a combination of Hennabee and Wendy...she is also a child and not growing up. 

• Angela who is in her early 20s who is the starver of the group and has an eating disorder.  

• Leah who is a teenager and wants to take laxatives and restrict.  She also has an eating disorder. 

• Sarah who is the traditional Christian and has a hard time with our present belief system. 

• The Evil On that walks like the Terminator and has no feeling.  She protects the body and uses our martial arts training and assertiveness...bordering on aggression to hand people that are mentally or physically threatening us.   
• Me, I don't know who she is.  Maybe someone else does.

• The  Old One that has been with us since before the body was born and guards over the core, Helen.  

• Helen is the original self. 

There are also others we don't know that come out every now and then.

The Dentist

This is Mariah and I am the intuitive one.  We had an appointment with the dentist today and we had been dreading it.  We have problems with the part where the chairs go back and the light is above our heads.  That laying back with a light above our heads was part of the abuse as a child.  I don't have a clear memory of it but, I know someone does.  They just have not shared with the rest of us.  I gave the excuse that I laid on my neck wrong and got a bad headache (the truth).  We just could not face the dentist yesterday.  We have to go in 2 weeks.  I will make sure we are ready then.

Today I have another headache.  I think it is from my neck.  Oh god this is boring.  I did a reading last night and I used my new tarot/astro cards!    I think someone is working the body too much at this computer desk.  I don't know who the heck it is.  

Oh I am collecting pictures to post in here...I love that.  Jennifers site is a tresure...that is in my interesting link secions on the side.

BTW, I am on Keen if you ever want to talk about "stuff".  I do not do phone sex.  Kat is the phone sex operator.  I am not and I am the one you will get on that line.  So save it if you are wanting phone sex.  Speaking of sex, we don't have much sex in our marriage.   He has something wrong with his penis and I am thinking he is afraid of hurting himself.  I feel for him.  We all love him a lot except for the Old One and The Evil One.  TOO just loves the core Helen, I think.  TEO just protects the body and does not have any feelings.

Well that's it for now.  Please comment and follow us.  We want followers and comments.  I'd like to hear from you.

Mariah 

Oooops Mistake

It seems the last 2 entries got reversed.  The one where Leah speaks should be before the last one.  Sorry for the confusion.

Out of Control!

I am Kat.  I am so worried and feel so out of control.  My calorie count got to 950 and now Leah and Angela are talking about making a list of the lowest calorie food with the least amount of sugar that we can eat in a day.  I think I lost a pound this morning so I don't know why they are so upset.  I don't want to fuck myself up any more.  They want to only allow us to eat between 500 - 700 a day.  This cancer med does not allow me to lose but what other damage am I doing to my body?  I already have osteopenia which is right before osteoporosis.  I already have the beginning of cateracts.  How is all my weird eating effecting that?  I am so scared.  I take laxatives now.  Kat is thinking about exercising which is great until she get compulsive and obsessive.  I really just want to die sometimes.  I really do!  I am so tired of all this shit.  I have so many things wrong with me and I see no end in sight.

If you are reading this and identify with me, please comment.  I till make me feel less alone.

I'm Leah

It seems I didn't lose a pound but stayed the same.  Two weeks ago I gained 8 pounds when I ate a LITTLE more .  I did this for only 4-6 days.  Now I can't get THAT off.

On a good note, I exercised today.  Not long but, I still did the elliptical.  Another good note I only ate 500 something yesterday!  (I am Leah not Kat.)  I have always wanted to write in this blog and get my stuff on here.  Kat never lets me and it irritates me.  Kat fancies herself a writer.  I think I write pretty well too.

  I plan to exercise as much as I can.  But it's so hard to have energy.  I am much more sophisticated than Kat.  She's down and dirty and I like a little class.  I took ballet with Angela.  Did you see that picture in the profile...that was me.  I had on a masque.  But I guess you can see that huh?  lol  It feels so good to have some input on this blog.  It kinda seems depressing though.  Maybe I can brighten it up.  I never know how long I will be able to be in control..  The others don't let Angela and I out much because then we would really control the food.  I also don't know the husband that well.  Neither does Angela.  I think that is enough typing.  I am gonna see what I can put in the rest of this blog.  Thanks for reading!  

Tomorrow is Doctor Day

I am Kat  Tomorrow I see my psych and I want to tell her that I want to go back on my previous meds that helped for a long time.  I quit them because of indigestion.  I am on indigestion medicine and think that it might be okay now.  I have just not felt like myself on these new meds.

I also want to ask her what it means that I am picking at myself more.  I know this is gross but I have red spots all over my legs.  I want to ask her if she has any idea why I might be doing that.  It is bugging me.

Now I am going to bed.

Can't Sleep

I am Kat.  Tonight is another one of those nights I can't sleep.  I, actually, use this blog to vent and then hope it allows me to sleep.  I can't sleep because I am hungry and because my mind won't stop working.  I only had 600 cals today and that equals hunger.  Can't eat.  I had my allotted food.  I am drinking a decaf Diet Pepsi.

I had to make a new blog tonight because my old blog that was really new got connected to my business blog account.  I want to keep those two separately.

I am going back on Abilify because the 8 pounds I thought I gained from the Abilify is not coming off when I quit it.  The Abilify makes me feel better than Zoloft.  I am so tired of taking all these pills.  It is never ending.  Sometimes I wish I were dead because I have so much shit to deal.  But you know what?  I also have lots of good things.  Things that I don't want to leave.  I would effect others if I were not here.  I would effect my dogs and cat.  Suicide is a very selfish act.  Second thought, I am glad I am here.  I just get really tired sometime.

Anyone reading this?  Leave comments please.

This is Me!

I am Kat.  I had an eating disorder when I was in elementary school and then in High School I started restricting rather than over eating.  Then in college it got a lot worse.  People were telling me not to lose any more weight,  But I wanted to and would have if I had not gone into the hospital to recover.  The thing about UCLA NPI is that they said they had an eating disorder program but it was very small and almost non-existent.  But I went anyway and learned how to eat again through Behavior Modification.  So they changed the behavior but they didn't change the obsession or the reason for the obsession.  So I went many years not starving, or taking laxative or exercising compulsively.  But I still hated my body.  I still was not comfortable in my skin.  So I went into the hospital when I was 28.  Lived my life with an odd relationship with food but I was eating.

Okay, shoot forward to age 49 and I learn that I have a 5 mm, 1st stage tumor in my right breast.  They do a lumpectomy...get it all...none in the lymph nodes and I have radiation.  All is well...I am cancer free.  Now I have to go on the 5 year meds called Femora.  Let me tell you...I gained 30 unexpected pounds in 2 months.  It went strait to my waist and settled there.  I ...then...relapsed into an Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified: Restrictive type.  I started eating as little as I possibly could without getting a huge headache.  I was so mad.  I lost 20 pounds through exercising and not eating much.  

So now we are 3 years later.  I am now starving myself.  I don't exercise because the cancer meds, fibromyalia, and starving makes me too tired.  So I am not exercising very much but part of me wants to do it compulsively.  I just don't have the energy for it.  Oh and last week I started taking laxatives.  An alter Leah decided that it was time to take laxatives again.  She sneaks them.  I (Kat) would like to work out more.  Oh and we are now entering all our food that we eat into My Fitness Pal.  I am keeping my calories low and only eating 15 or less sugar a day.  And I am still fat because I am still on the drug and will be for 2 more years.  I need to loose 25 - 35 pounds.  That will put me anywhere from 125- 134.  I am fat and I hate it.  I have a big belly from the meds and I hate it.  So I am doing something to change it.  NOW.

So we discussed my cancer free body, my eating disorder, and DID.  If you have any questions please comment.