This is Mariah.  I am not trying to hurt anyone by exploring Wicca and manifesting all that we can be.  I am trying to find a place for myself.  We will talk this over with our therapist because I don't want to cause trauma.  I just want more education.  I have to admit I want the PhD so people may respect what I have to say a little more.  I know that it should not matter but it does.  I have the "stuff" to do what I do but no one knows that till they get a reading from me.  I would like to have something physical to share with people that lets them know before they talk to me.  That is not saying that everyone with a PhD knows what they are doing.  That would be silly and simply untrue.  I just want to get another BA, MA and my first PhD.

Perhaps I am just setting me up to fail.  But I have to try.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING!!!! BLODD AND ABUSE

This is Kat.  You know, Mariah use to be the therapist.  And I am not sure what kind of group abused us.  I don't hold those memories.  And the ones that do still have not shared everything.  And I worry that this metaphysical stuff...the going to school part is going to re traumatize Mariah and anyone else that listens in.  So far the readings that we have bought seem pretty tame.  I could feel a rumble in the system where it read that old shaman's would use the blood of animals to help them journey with the power of the animal.  But then it turned around and said the today's shamans do not use the blood. I know that blood was involved in our abuse.  It is hard to type this.  I am not suppose to tell.  But I do tell and I tell as often as I can .  And I say fuck that...to keep silent any longer. 

It just made a rumble a bit.  I just want to make sure no one is re-traumatize.  I don't want the Evil One to start moving around because that just make the Insides shake when she stands up.  And the one on the outside feels it.  It feels a little like an earthquake.  It's not nice to get the Evil One upset for no reason.  I am just keeping my eye out.  Mariah and her exploring could not be such a good idea.  So far the meditations seems to help us think clearer.  I like that.

i JUST REALIZED, the Evil One has fangs!  I think she would actually bite someone that tried to hurt the body or someone for which the body cared.  She is not afraid of blood.  She is the one that had to deal with the blood that was meant for Helen.  She would come out, take care of business, and to back in before any one knew of her.  I only found out about her when she would come out or get really close to the light when I took a self defense class.  Where I was loud and cursing when I defended myself; the EO would be silent and only make a sound when she hit.  She needs to be louder when she defends so help comes.  But all she is thinking is how best to kill the person attacking.  She is far more strong than the rest of us...mentally and physically.  I admire her courage.  And I don't admire many.

Living Inside

I am Mariah.  I still find it odd when I am trying to go somewhere in the house and find myself in another room.  I talked to my therapist about the possibility of ADD and she said she had not seen any indications that I would have ADD.  She said that we all have some characteristics of different diagnosis.  I am thinking it is just a switch that occurs.  I will be trying to get into the kitchen to get food and I will find myself in the office.  Today, I have been trying to read a book and I keep finding myself doing something else.  It can be really annoying.  So many parts of us that want to have outside time.  They want to be in the "spotlight".  

That is how it is inside...We all sit or stand around the spotlight and when we need to come out, we step into the light. When we are not in the light we have co-consciousness.  That means that we can sense what is going on on the outside. Sometimes, when one of us is having a flashback, there is a wall up and we can't get into the light.  Sometimes, if there is something that could be triggering going on on the outside and we can't let the kids see it or come out, the kids go into "the dome".  This is a comfy place where the kids can't sense what is going on on the outside.  There is also a "playhouse" that the kids can go to when they don't want to come out.  It is not really a play house but a nice room where they can be.  It used to be a playhouse until they grew up a bit.  Also, the Evil One is far far back in the jungle with our Black Panther.  The Black Panther is our Power Animal.  Power Animals are helpers.  He is not part of us but rather something spiritual that I created during a Shamanic journey.  I didn't really create him...he came.  I think he is one of our Guides in animal form.  He ministers to the Evil One.  Her life has been hard and she had to do really horrible things.  She did it to protect us.  The Evil One is a hero.  We love her.

Witchery

I made a manifestation board using tarot cards.  I am Mariah BTW.  I brought in the energy of abundance and prosperity and education.  I am drawing in the money for me to go back to school.  I am expecting to sell things and for my husband to get new jobs for our business that will bring in money for me to do this goal.  This is very positive.

I am investigating and exploring Wicca.  I am already halfway there now.  I have been into the metaphysical world for a while now.  I don't delve into the darkness of the metaphysical world.  I do do readings.  So I do divine.  I have always heard messages to tell people.  I can tell I am spot on from their reactions.  It is interesting because we have an alter Sarah.  She is a traditional Christian.  She use to be out a lot.  I just found the church too controlling.  I still am "born again" however, I practice alternative ways.  Now I believe what is right for me.

Comments are welcome.  I am sure this is controversial.  I best some believe I am possessed.  LOL

OH JOYS Doctor Day!

I am Kat.  I am going to the doctor today to talk to her about the possibility that I may have ADD.  I am having trouble focusing and I am not depressed.  I am forgetting what it is I am doing and losing concentration.  I am picking up things and setting it down and then forgetting where I put things.  I don't think I am switching. I am not losing time so I just don't think I am switching.

These headaches are driving me nuts.  Hunger is a bitch.

So Angry

I am so hungry and everyone is hungry.  We can't eat so I am having tea to get filled...decaf.  We did let the kids have a low cal smoothie.  But after a day of not eating much that barely cuts it.  How can Angela and Leah have so much power?  So tired of the whole drama.  

We see the doctor tomorrow and want to see if we might have ADD.  Also want her to answer a question...Why does our heart feel weird when we don't eat or are extra hungry?  So ANGRY/and sad.  So split.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING 

I am Kat.  I am afraid people are going to see Littlebit's post and not believe me.  I am afraid they are going to think it is dumb and I am making it all up.

I am really disappointed.  We were suppose to go to the haunted house Delusion but, decided that it might be too triggering for the Evil One.  When she is physically threatened she comes out and defends the body.  I have had lots of martial arts training and she knows how to defend herself.  More to the point she has been waiting our whole life to defend herself.  We never got to defend ourselves during the abuse.  She is set up to do that now if we need her.  In this very scary Delusion there would be people touching me. She would not know that it is fantasy.  We would have to tell her that this is fantasy and not to come out.  This could cause confusion if she ever had to come out and defend us.  Plus it would be very unfair to her.  I am just really disappointed.

Littlebit was triggered the other night.  I was watching a show that showed a baby watching as someone was repeatedly stabbing someone.  Littlebit was out and started patting her eyes like she does when she is getting "pictures" or memories.  She said, "Little kids shouldn't see it" and "OH NO!" repeatedly.  She started making groans.  She went to bed and Chopper, our wonderful dog, laid by her.  She was able to touch him and that comforted her.  Our husband and good friend started reminding her that we have a grown up body now and the 'bad guys' can't get us.  They won't know us.  He asked if he could hug her.  She said yes.  These flashbacks don't last long anymore and soon she was okay.  I hate when this happens.  I feel bad for everyone inside.  It reminds me of how hurt I was.  I am angry and hurt.  Sometime I just feel so helpless.