This is Mariah.  We did not eat well today and we have that burning in the back of our throat that feel very painful.  So sick of this.  So hungry but can't eat.  It's the same thing over and over.  Tomorrow we are only taking 1 geodon and that will reduce the indigestion.  I am hoping to get in to see my doctor about the meds.  So tired but can't sleep. Angela and Leah say no food and that we have had enough.  I can't tell if I am hungry or just sick.  Nuff said.

Tonight is a hard night.  This is Kat.  I am really feeling depressed.  I don't know why...maybe it's because I have had this damn awful burning in my throat from not eating.  I tried to eat little bits through out the day but it still hurts. 

 It could be a mood swing.  No need for reasons with those.  I am here alone for a bit tonight but, that does not bother me. 

 I met with my best friend yesterday.  We each drove 2 hours to see each other.  We do it every 6 months.  She is great and very uplifting.  She does not know about the DID.  I know she is my best friend and she knows almost everything about me but not that.  I am afraid she just would not understand.  I have actually lost a friend when she was afraid I had a "serial killer" inside and didn't want to risk it.  It was silly.  She had a phobia of serial killers and I think she saw the Evil One come out once.  That was enough to scare anyone away.  

Shit I am just feeling badly tonight.  I NEVER cry and yet here I go.  I hate to cry.  I just feel like shit.  I think Littlebit wants out and I am busy with computer stuff.  She will have to have her time tonight. 

 I really did hate losing that friend.  She was like Mariah...intuitive like that.  She and I had different temperaments but, I thought we were good together...as friends.  Anyway, just had to write.  I will feel better later.

Kat

Up again...Kat and Mariah

Here I am...Kat...here we are...staying up because we didn't eat enough during the day and we're hungry.  We did have a fruit drink made by the handy dandy Vitamix that I love.  So I have decided to stay up.  I have also decided that if I can't eat and can't sleep I will have some caffeinated tea,  I do this to make staying up easier.  I know I should go to sleep but Mariah has some good books she's been pouring over.  I think she wants to be a pagan...I think we already are a pagan.  

This not eating when my body is telling me that I am gut level hungry is weird.  I get nauseous when I am too hungry and then I have to only eat certain things that will not make me feel sicker.  Like soup and saltines...5 crackers to be exact.  Only 5.  And the soup has to be the 50 calorie instant kind.  I have to eat all of it so we know how much the body took in.  God we are such fruit loops.

I am also working an online job while I am staying up just in case anyone wants to talk.  Yes, you see that Keen button.  If you call that it will be me.  

I think the tea is working.  I 'm yawning less.  Mariah is PUSHING FORWARD so she can read her books.  I really wish some of you would follow us or put some comments in the comment session.  You can't tell me I have not made you think. What would you do if my life was yours?  If you say "kill myself" believe me it is not like I have not thought of it.  But I don't want to leave my animals and husband...actually he is my boyfriend and Mariah's husband.  Maybe someday we will have a ceremony where I marry him. A hand fasting this time.  That is what they do in the Wicca tradition.  But I am not Wicca so maybe we will just get a second marriage or what ever it's called. 

 THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

I love animals.  Actually we all do.  I can't think of a single self that does not like animals.  The Evil One is limited to her contact with the Black Panther.  She doesn't really care for anything else except doing her job.  I wonder if she will ever get out of that jungle and start to live a life.  It would be hard as she would always be on the defensive with people.  She could start a lot of fights.  Oh I am Mariah and I have tons of compassion for the EO.  She saved us.  We would be so much more screwed up if it were not for her.  Her courage is amazing.  She saved our lives.  We COULD NOT do what they asked us to do so she came out and did the deeds.  They made her think she was doing awful, horrible, unspeakable things.  It makes me so sad and grateful.  I wish she could have a life.  Maybe I will talk to Lisa, my therapist, about this topic.  She has some great ideas and knows how to work with this kind of stuff.

This is Mariah.  I am not trying to hurt anyone by exploring Wicca and manifesting all that we can be.  I am trying to find a place for myself.  We will talk this over with our therapist because I don't want to cause trauma.  I just want more education.  I have to admit I want the PhD so people may respect what I have to say a little more.  I know that it should not matter but it does.  I have the "stuff" to do what I do but no one knows that till they get a reading from me.  I would like to have something physical to share with people that lets them know before they talk to me.  That is not saying that everyone with a PhD knows what they are doing.  That would be silly and simply untrue.  I just want to get another BA, MA and my first PhD.

Perhaps I am just setting me up to fail.  But I have to try.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING!!!! BLODD AND ABUSE

This is Kat.  You know, Mariah use to be the therapist.  And I am not sure what kind of group abused us.  I don't hold those memories.  And the ones that do still have not shared everything.  And I worry that this metaphysical stuff...the going to school part is going to re traumatize Mariah and anyone else that listens in.  So far the readings that we have bought seem pretty tame.  I could feel a rumble in the system where it read that old shaman's would use the blood of animals to help them journey with the power of the animal.  But then it turned around and said the today's shamans do not use the blood. I know that blood was involved in our abuse.  It is hard to type this.  I am not suppose to tell.  But I do tell and I tell as often as I can .  And I say fuck that...to keep silent any longer. 

It just made a rumble a bit.  I just want to make sure no one is re-traumatize.  I don't want the Evil One to start moving around because that just make the Insides shake when she stands up.  And the one on the outside feels it.  It feels a little like an earthquake.  It's not nice to get the Evil One upset for no reason.  I am just keeping my eye out.  Mariah and her exploring could not be such a good idea.  So far the meditations seems to help us think clearer.  I like that.

i JUST REALIZED, the Evil One has fangs!  I think she would actually bite someone that tried to hurt the body or someone for which the body cared.  She is not afraid of blood.  She is the one that had to deal with the blood that was meant for Helen.  She would come out, take care of business, and to back in before any one knew of her.  I only found out about her when she would come out or get really close to the light when I took a self defense class.  Where I was loud and cursing when I defended myself; the EO would be silent and only make a sound when she hit.  She needs to be louder when she defends so help comes.  But all she is thinking is how best to kill the person attacking.  She is far more strong than the rest of us...mentally and physically.  I admire her courage.  And I don't admire many.

Living Inside

I am Mariah.  I still find it odd when I am trying to go somewhere in the house and find myself in another room.  I talked to my therapist about the possibility of ADD and she said she had not seen any indications that I would have ADD.  She said that we all have some characteristics of different diagnosis.  I am thinking it is just a switch that occurs.  I will be trying to get into the kitchen to get food and I will find myself in the office.  Today, I have been trying to read a book and I keep finding myself doing something else.  It can be really annoying.  So many parts of us that want to have outside time.  They want to be in the "spotlight".  

That is how it is inside...We all sit or stand around the spotlight and when we need to come out, we step into the light. When we are not in the light we have co-consciousness.  That means that we can sense what is going on on the outside. Sometimes, when one of us is having a flashback, there is a wall up and we can't get into the light.  Sometimes, if there is something that could be triggering going on on the outside and we can't let the kids see it or come out, the kids go into "the dome".  This is a comfy place where the kids can't sense what is going on on the outside.  There is also a "playhouse" that the kids can go to when they don't want to come out.  It is not really a play house but a nice room where they can be.  It used to be a playhouse until they grew up a bit.  Also, the Evil One is far far back in the jungle with our Black Panther.  The Black Panther is our Power Animal.  Power Animals are helpers.  He is not part of us but rather something spiritual that I created during a Shamanic journey.  I didn't really create him...he came.  I think he is one of our Guides in animal form.  He ministers to the Evil One.  Her life has been hard and she had to do really horrible things.  She did it to protect us.  The Evil One is a hero.  We love her.

Witchery

I made a manifestation board using tarot cards.  I am Mariah BTW.  I brought in the energy of abundance and prosperity and education.  I am drawing in the money for me to go back to school.  I am expecting to sell things and for my husband to get new jobs for our business that will bring in money for me to do this goal.  This is very positive.

I am investigating and exploring Wicca.  I am already halfway there now.  I have been into the metaphysical world for a while now.  I don't delve into the darkness of the metaphysical world.  I do do readings.  So I do divine.  I have always heard messages to tell people.  I can tell I am spot on from their reactions.  It is interesting because we have an alter Sarah.  She is a traditional Christian.  She use to be out a lot.  I just found the church too controlling.  I still am "born again" however, I practice alternative ways.  Now I believe what is right for me.

Comments are welcome.  I am sure this is controversial.  I best some believe I am possessed.  LOL

OH JOYS Doctor Day!

I am Kat.  I am going to the doctor today to talk to her about the possibility that I may have ADD.  I am having trouble focusing and I am not depressed.  I am forgetting what it is I am doing and losing concentration.  I am picking up things and setting it down and then forgetting where I put things.  I don't think I am switching. I am not losing time so I just don't think I am switching.

These headaches are driving me nuts.  Hunger is a bitch.

So Angry

I am so hungry and everyone is hungry.  We can't eat so I am having tea to get filled...decaf.  We did let the kids have a low cal smoothie.  But after a day of not eating much that barely cuts it.  How can Angela and Leah have so much power?  So tired of the whole drama.  

We see the doctor tomorrow and want to see if we might have ADD.  Also want her to answer a question...Why does our heart feel weird when we don't eat or are extra hungry?  So ANGRY/and sad.  So split.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING 

I am Kat.  I am afraid people are going to see Littlebit's post and not believe me.  I am afraid they are going to think it is dumb and I am making it all up.

I am really disappointed.  We were suppose to go to the haunted house Delusion but, decided that it might be too triggering for the Evil One.  When she is physically threatened she comes out and defends the body.  I have had lots of martial arts training and she knows how to defend herself.  More to the point she has been waiting our whole life to defend herself.  We never got to defend ourselves during the abuse.  She is set up to do that now if we need her.  In this very scary Delusion there would be people touching me. She would not know that it is fantasy.  We would have to tell her that this is fantasy and not to come out.  This could cause confusion if she ever had to come out and defend us.  Plus it would be very unfair to her.  I am just really disappointed.

Littlebit was triggered the other night.  I was watching a show that showed a baby watching as someone was repeatedly stabbing someone.  Littlebit was out and started patting her eyes like she does when she is getting "pictures" or memories.  She said, "Little kids shouldn't see it" and "OH NO!" repeatedly.  She started making groans.  She went to bed and Chopper, our wonderful dog, laid by her.  She was able to touch him and that comforted her.  Our husband and good friend started reminding her that we have a grown up body now and the 'bad guys' can't get us.  They won't know us.  He asked if he could hug her.  She said yes.  These flashbacks don't last long anymore and soon she was okay.  I hate when this happens.  I feel bad for everyone inside.  It reminds me of how hurt I was.  I am angry and hurt.  Sometime I just feel so helpless.