I can't sleep again tonight because of a headache.  I have taken enough meds to knock the shit out of it.  But still it persists.  I go see Lisa tomorrow and I am going to discuss with her how distressed Leah, Angela, and I are about not losing weight.  I have to eat between 600 - 700 to see a weight change.  Then I feel sick all the time.  I am so discouraged.  I need to start exercising but without the fuel it is very hard to do it.  Many years ago I would have done it anyway.  This body is not as young as it was when we had the ED before so many years ago.  I will continue to try.

I'd love to hear from you all.

Nov. and Dec...Hard

This is Kat.  This month and last month has been hard.  I had to switch my meds again and the new meds caused blurred vision, a weak bladder, and a 5 pound gain.  I quickly stop taking that but the 5 lbs. have not gone away.  While I am on this cancer med it is very hard for me to lose.  My therapist is so busy that I sometimes can't get into see her when I need to.  I know these meds help and make my life livable but it sometimes feels like I am not in control.

The eating thing is still the same.  Been trying to eat a few more nuts because of the good fat and protein.

Been very tired lately.  Not sleeping well at nights and then still tired during the day.  This could be due to anything from medication to Fibro.  So I have no clue.  I need to go to bed now.  

Nite,
Kat

Hi Everybody!

We have not posted lately because, quite frankly, no one had he energy to do it.  I am finally off Geodon and the heartburn is gone.  I lost 5 pounds, started taking a new med and I gained 5 pounds.  I went back down to 1 mg where I don't gain weight.  I found out that we are pre-diabetic and I need to exercise more.  I became pre-diabetic with the onset of the extra weight with the cancer meds.  I am thinking that when I get off these meds and start losing weight that things will change. Oh this is Kat btw.  Mariah is all upset about all this but, I seem to take it in stride.  Lisa, my therapist, actually knew that I was not out because I was not reacting as myself.  Mariah said that she was the one that was out.  Way to go Lisa!

I went to see the doctor and got so irritated with her because she just kept saying, "You need to eat more."  She said this several times.  Finally I said emphatically,  I know I need to eat more but, I can't right now.  I have an eating disorder that won't let me.  It's very easy to say eat more and hard to do it.  She got it and changed her approach,  To discussing what I might be able to eat...like a half of a chicken breast.  She is a good doctor and is trying.  She acknowledged my worry that when I get off these meds in a year or 2 that I am going to really lose weight.  Leah and Angela are so into that.  I am but I worry more than anything.  We could get emaciated so easily,. I, Kat, am scared.  The only ones that are not scared are Leah and Angela.

I am talking to my oncologist, who I see this month, about being pre-diabetic because of this drug and the weight gain.  Is it still important that I continue taking it?  I feel so torn.  This could be the e.d. in me not wanting to take it.  On the other hand I don't want to get cancer again.

So you see we have been going though some things.  Sometimes it is hard to write about them

Kat

 

This is me right now.

 This is how we are most of the time.

This is Mariah.  We did not eat well today and we have that burning in the back of our throat that feel very painful.  So sick of this.  So hungry but can't eat.  It's the same thing over and over.  Tomorrow we are only taking 1 geodon and that will reduce the indigestion.  I am hoping to get in to see my doctor about the meds.  So tired but can't sleep. Angela and Leah say no food and that we have had enough.  I can't tell if I am hungry or just sick.  Nuff said.

Tonight is a hard night.  This is Kat.  I am really feeling depressed.  I don't know why...maybe it's because I have had this damn awful burning in my throat from not eating.  I tried to eat little bits through out the day but it still hurts. 

 It could be a mood swing.  No need for reasons with those.  I am here alone for a bit tonight but, that does not bother me. 

 I met with my best friend yesterday.  We each drove 2 hours to see each other.  We do it every 6 months.  She is great and very uplifting.  She does not know about the DID.  I know she is my best friend and she knows almost everything about me but not that.  I am afraid she just would not understand.  I have actually lost a friend when she was afraid I had a "serial killer" inside and didn't want to risk it.  It was silly.  She had a phobia of serial killers and I think she saw the Evil One come out once.  That was enough to scare anyone away.  

Shit I am just feeling badly tonight.  I NEVER cry and yet here I go.  I hate to cry.  I just feel like shit.  I think Littlebit wants out and I am busy with computer stuff.  She will have to have her time tonight. 

 I really did hate losing that friend.  She was like Mariah...intuitive like that.  She and I had different temperaments but, I thought we were good together...as friends.  Anyway, just had to write.  I will feel better later.

Kat

Up again...Kat and Mariah

Here I am...Kat...here we are...staying up because we didn't eat enough during the day and we're hungry.  We did have a fruit drink made by the handy dandy Vitamix that I love.  So I have decided to stay up.  I have also decided that if I can't eat and can't sleep I will have some caffeinated tea,  I do this to make staying up easier.  I know I should go to sleep but Mariah has some good books she's been pouring over.  I think she wants to be a pagan...I think we already are a pagan.  

This not eating when my body is telling me that I am gut level hungry is weird.  I get nauseous when I am too hungry and then I have to only eat certain things that will not make me feel sicker.  Like soup and saltines...5 crackers to be exact.  Only 5.  And the soup has to be the 50 calorie instant kind.  I have to eat all of it so we know how much the body took in.  God we are such fruit loops.

I am also working an online job while I am staying up just in case anyone wants to talk.  Yes, you see that Keen button.  If you call that it will be me.  

I think the tea is working.  I 'm yawning less.  Mariah is PUSHING FORWARD so she can read her books.  I really wish some of you would follow us or put some comments in the comment session.  You can't tell me I have not made you think. What would you do if my life was yours?  If you say "kill myself" believe me it is not like I have not thought of it.  But I don't want to leave my animals and husband...actually he is my boyfriend and Mariah's husband.  Maybe someday we will have a ceremony where I marry him. A hand fasting this time.  That is what they do in the Wicca tradition.  But I am not Wicca so maybe we will just get a second marriage or what ever it's called. 

 THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

I love animals.  Actually we all do.  I can't think of a single self that does not like animals.  The Evil One is limited to her contact with the Black Panther.  She doesn't really care for anything else except doing her job.  I wonder if she will ever get out of that jungle and start to live a life.  It would be hard as she would always be on the defensive with people.  She could start a lot of fights.  Oh I am Mariah and I have tons of compassion for the EO.  She saved us.  We would be so much more screwed up if it were not for her.  Her courage is amazing.  She saved our lives.  We COULD NOT do what they asked us to do so she came out and did the deeds.  They made her think she was doing awful, horrible, unspeakable things.  It makes me so sad and grateful.  I wish she could have a life.  Maybe I will talk to Lisa, my therapist, about this topic.  She has some great ideas and knows how to work with this kind of stuff.

This is Mariah.  I am not trying to hurt anyone by exploring Wicca and manifesting all that we can be.  I am trying to find a place for myself.  We will talk this over with our therapist because I don't want to cause trauma.  I just want more education.  I have to admit I want the PhD so people may respect what I have to say a little more.  I know that it should not matter but it does.  I have the "stuff" to do what I do but no one knows that till they get a reading from me.  I would like to have something physical to share with people that lets them know before they talk to me.  That is not saying that everyone with a PhD knows what they are doing.  That would be silly and simply untrue.  I just want to get another BA, MA and my first PhD.

Perhaps I am just setting me up to fail.  But I have to try.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING!!!! BLODD AND ABUSE

This is Kat.  You know, Mariah use to be the therapist.  And I am not sure what kind of group abused us.  I don't hold those memories.  And the ones that do still have not shared everything.  And I worry that this metaphysical stuff...the going to school part is going to re traumatize Mariah and anyone else that listens in.  So far the readings that we have bought seem pretty tame.  I could feel a rumble in the system where it read that old shaman's would use the blood of animals to help them journey with the power of the animal.  But then it turned around and said the today's shamans do not use the blood. I know that blood was involved in our abuse.  It is hard to type this.  I am not suppose to tell.  But I do tell and I tell as often as I can .  And I say fuck that...to keep silent any longer. 

It just made a rumble a bit.  I just want to make sure no one is re-traumatize.  I don't want the Evil One to start moving around because that just make the Insides shake when she stands up.  And the one on the outside feels it.  It feels a little like an earthquake.  It's not nice to get the Evil One upset for no reason.  I am just keeping my eye out.  Mariah and her exploring could not be such a good idea.  So far the meditations seems to help us think clearer.  I like that.

i JUST REALIZED, the Evil One has fangs!  I think she would actually bite someone that tried to hurt the body or someone for which the body cared.  She is not afraid of blood.  She is the one that had to deal with the blood that was meant for Helen.  She would come out, take care of business, and to back in before any one knew of her.  I only found out about her when she would come out or get really close to the light when I took a self defense class.  Where I was loud and cursing when I defended myself; the EO would be silent and only make a sound when she hit.  She needs to be louder when she defends so help comes.  But all she is thinking is how best to kill the person attacking.  She is far more strong than the rest of us...mentally and physically.  I admire her courage.  And I don't admire many.

Living Inside

I am Mariah.  I still find it odd when I am trying to go somewhere in the house and find myself in another room.  I talked to my therapist about the possibility of ADD and she said she had not seen any indications that I would have ADD.  She said that we all have some characteristics of different diagnosis.  I am thinking it is just a switch that occurs.  I will be trying to get into the kitchen to get food and I will find myself in the office.  Today, I have been trying to read a book and I keep finding myself doing something else.  It can be really annoying.  So many parts of us that want to have outside time.  They want to be in the "spotlight".  

That is how it is inside...We all sit or stand around the spotlight and when we need to come out, we step into the light. When we are not in the light we have co-consciousness.  That means that we can sense what is going on on the outside. Sometimes, when one of us is having a flashback, there is a wall up and we can't get into the light.  Sometimes, if there is something that could be triggering going on on the outside and we can't let the kids see it or come out, the kids go into "the dome".  This is a comfy place where the kids can't sense what is going on on the outside.  There is also a "playhouse" that the kids can go to when they don't want to come out.  It is not really a play house but a nice room where they can be.  It used to be a playhouse until they grew up a bit.  Also, the Evil One is far far back in the jungle with our Black Panther.  The Black Panther is our Power Animal.  Power Animals are helpers.  He is not part of us but rather something spiritual that I created during a Shamanic journey.  I didn't really create him...he came.  I think he is one of our Guides in animal form.  He ministers to the Evil One.  Her life has been hard and she had to do really horrible things.  She did it to protect us.  The Evil One is a hero.  We love her.

Witchery

I made a manifestation board using tarot cards.  I am Mariah BTW.  I brought in the energy of abundance and prosperity and education.  I am drawing in the money for me to go back to school.  I am expecting to sell things and for my husband to get new jobs for our business that will bring in money for me to do this goal.  This is very positive.

I am investigating and exploring Wicca.  I am already halfway there now.  I have been into the metaphysical world for a while now.  I don't delve into the darkness of the metaphysical world.  I do do readings.  So I do divine.  I have always heard messages to tell people.  I can tell I am spot on from their reactions.  It is interesting because we have an alter Sarah.  She is a traditional Christian.  She use to be out a lot.  I just found the church too controlling.  I still am "born again" however, I practice alternative ways.  Now I believe what is right for me.

Comments are welcome.  I am sure this is controversial.  I best some believe I am possessed.  LOL

OH JOYS Doctor Day!

I am Kat.  I am going to the doctor today to talk to her about the possibility that I may have ADD.  I am having trouble focusing and I am not depressed.  I am forgetting what it is I am doing and losing concentration.  I am picking up things and setting it down and then forgetting where I put things.  I don't think I am switching. I am not losing time so I just don't think I am switching.

These headaches are driving me nuts.  Hunger is a bitch.

So Angry

I am so hungry and everyone is hungry.  We can't eat so I am having tea to get filled...decaf.  We did let the kids have a low cal smoothie.  But after a day of not eating much that barely cuts it.  How can Angela and Leah have so much power?  So tired of the whole drama.  

We see the doctor tomorrow and want to see if we might have ADD.  Also want her to answer a question...Why does our heart feel weird when we don't eat or are extra hungry?  So ANGRY/and sad.  So split.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING

POSSIBLE TRIGGERING 

I am Kat.  I am afraid people are going to see Littlebit's post and not believe me.  I am afraid they are going to think it is dumb and I am making it all up.

I am really disappointed.  We were suppose to go to the haunted house Delusion but, decided that it might be too triggering for the Evil One.  When she is physically threatened she comes out and defends the body.  I have had lots of martial arts training and she knows how to defend herself.  More to the point she has been waiting our whole life to defend herself.  We never got to defend ourselves during the abuse.  She is set up to do that now if we need her.  In this very scary Delusion there would be people touching me. She would not know that it is fantasy.  We would have to tell her that this is fantasy and not to come out.  This could cause confusion if she ever had to come out and defend us.  Plus it would be very unfair to her.  I am just really disappointed.

Littlebit was triggered the other night.  I was watching a show that showed a baby watching as someone was repeatedly stabbing someone.  Littlebit was out and started patting her eyes like she does when she is getting "pictures" or memories.  She said, "Little kids shouldn't see it" and "OH NO!" repeatedly.  She started making groans.  She went to bed and Chopper, our wonderful dog, laid by her.  She was able to touch him and that comforted her.  Our husband and good friend started reminding her that we have a grown up body now and the 'bad guys' can't get us.  They won't know us.  He asked if he could hug her.  She said yes.  These flashbacks don't last long anymore and soon she was okay.  I hate when this happens.  I feel bad for everyone inside.  It reminds me of how hurt I was.  I am angry and hurt.  Sometime I just feel so helpless.

this is littlebit theyare helping mr to type ihave a very bad hedach my fac huts i lik purplr i lik doin this i am hungy bye

So Happy

I am so happy.   Oh and this is Mariah.  I am "investigating" learning online at a university called the University of Metaphysical Sciences.  They have a great payment plan and one that I can afford.  I work from home and so I would have time to do my lessons and listen to the audio stuff.  This has been the most interested I have been in anything for a long time.  Kat does the metal stamping, and dispatch stuff.  I do a little intuitive work...as much as I can but , not enough.  Angela and Leah have the food thing.  But I am excited abut this idea.  We used to be in college and got degrees and stuff but that was a while ago.  I want more.  I also make the jewelry except for the stamping.  I just had to share that with you all.

 

These  pics are from: ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com  BTW  I would love to get a butterfly tat.

They ate the Damn Cake!

This is Angela.  They didn't eat ALL of it but they ate 3 fucking bites of it.  It is very discouraging when I am trying to lose weight off this body and they feed it shit.  How the hell am I suppose to lose weight?  Kat and Littlebit ate it.  I am really going to try and starve.  I need to lose weight so fucking bad.  If the body was not on those cancer meds we would be so much lower in weight.  I can't deal with fat body.  And we have not exercised today!  They are telling me that there is still time.  Grrr!  No one listens to me!  They ate 3 bites of a piece of cake!

Pictures from : http://ajourneythroughimages.blogspot.com

 I want to list the names of our selves.  

• Kat who used to be called The Angry One.  If I had the energy I would over-exercise.  I have an eating disorder.  

• KC who is very logical and can deal with contracts. 

• Mariah who use to be called The Intuitive One.  She does all the readings and is touchy feely. 

• Littlebit who is a combination of Penut and Sprout...she is a child but, she is growing up.  

• Wennabee who is a combination of Hennabee and Wendy...she is also a child and not growing up. 

• Angela who is in her early 20s who is the starver of the group and has an eating disorder.  

• Leah who is a teenager and wants to take laxatives and restrict.  She also has an eating disorder. 

• Sarah who is the traditional Christian and has a hard time with our present belief system. 

• The Evil On that walks like the Terminator and has no feeling.  She protects the body and uses our martial arts training and assertiveness...bordering on aggression to hand people that are mentally or physically threatening us.   
• Me, I don't know who she is.  Maybe someone else does.

• The  Old One that has been with us since before the body was born and guards over the core, Helen.  

• Helen is the original self. 

There are also others we don't know that come out every now and then.

The Dentist

This is Mariah and I am the intuitive one.  We had an appointment with the dentist today and we had been dreading it.  We have problems with the part where the chairs go back and the light is above our heads.  That laying back with a light above our heads was part of the abuse as a child.  I don't have a clear memory of it but, I know someone does.  They just have not shared with the rest of us.  I gave the excuse that I laid on my neck wrong and got a bad headache (the truth).  We just could not face the dentist yesterday.  We have to go in 2 weeks.  I will make sure we are ready then.

Today I have another headache.  I think it is from my neck.  Oh god this is boring.  I did a reading last night and I used my new tarot/astro cards!    I think someone is working the body too much at this computer desk.  I don't know who the heck it is.  

Oh I am collecting pictures to post in here...I love that.  Jennifers site is a tresure...that is in my interesting link secions on the side.

BTW, I am on Keen if you ever want to talk about "stuff".  I do not do phone sex.  Kat is the phone sex operator.  I am not and I am the one you will get on that line.  So save it if you are wanting phone sex.  Speaking of sex, we don't have much sex in our marriage.   He has something wrong with his penis and I am thinking he is afraid of hurting himself.  I feel for him.  We all love him a lot except for the Old One and The Evil One.  TOO just loves the core Helen, I think.  TEO just protects the body and does not have any feelings.

Well that's it for now.  Please comment and follow us.  We want followers and comments.  I'd like to hear from you.

Mariah 

Oooops Mistake

It seems the last 2 entries got reversed.  The one where Leah speaks should be before the last one.  Sorry for the confusion.

Out of Control!

I am Kat.  I am so worried and feel so out of control.  My calorie count got to 950 and now Leah and Angela are talking about making a list of the lowest calorie food with the least amount of sugar that we can eat in a day.  I think I lost a pound this morning so I don't know why they are so upset.  I don't want to fuck myself up any more.  They want to only allow us to eat between 500 - 700 a day.  This cancer med does not allow me to lose but what other damage am I doing to my body?  I already have osteopenia which is right before osteoporosis.  I already have the beginning of cateracts.  How is all my weird eating effecting that?  I am so scared.  I take laxatives now.  Kat is thinking about exercising which is great until she get compulsive and obsessive.  I really just want to die sometimes.  I really do!  I am so tired of all this shit.  I have so many things wrong with me and I see no end in sight.

If you are reading this and identify with me, please comment.  I till make me feel less alone.

I'm Leah

It seems I didn't lose a pound but stayed the same.  Two weeks ago I gained 8 pounds when I ate a LITTLE more .  I did this for only 4-6 days.  Now I can't get THAT off.

On a good note, I exercised today.  Not long but, I still did the elliptical.  Another good note I only ate 500 something yesterday!  (I am Leah not Kat.)  I have always wanted to write in this blog and get my stuff on here.  Kat never lets me and it irritates me.  Kat fancies herself a writer.  I think I write pretty well too.

  I plan to exercise as much as I can.  But it's so hard to have energy.  I am much more sophisticated than Kat.  She's down and dirty and I like a little class.  I took ballet with Angela.  Did you see that picture in the profile...that was me.  I had on a masque.  But I guess you can see that huh?  lol  It feels so good to have some input on this blog.  It kinda seems depressing though.  Maybe I can brighten it up.  I never know how long I will be able to be in control..  The others don't let Angela and I out much because then we would really control the food.  I also don't know the husband that well.  Neither does Angela.  I think that is enough typing.  I am gonna see what I can put in the rest of this blog.  Thanks for reading!  

Tomorrow is Doctor Day

I am Kat  Tomorrow I see my psych and I want to tell her that I want to go back on my previous meds that helped for a long time.  I quit them because of indigestion.  I am on indigestion medicine and think that it might be okay now.  I have just not felt like myself on these new meds.

I also want to ask her what it means that I am picking at myself more.  I know this is gross but I have red spots all over my legs.  I want to ask her if she has any idea why I might be doing that.  It is bugging me.

Now I am going to bed.

Can't Sleep

I am Kat.  Tonight is another one of those nights I can't sleep.  I, actually, use this blog to vent and then hope it allows me to sleep.  I can't sleep because I am hungry and because my mind won't stop working.  I only had 600 cals today and that equals hunger.  Can't eat.  I had my allotted food.  I am drinking a decaf Diet Pepsi.

I had to make a new blog tonight because my old blog that was really new got connected to my business blog account.  I want to keep those two separately.

I am going back on Abilify because the 8 pounds I thought I gained from the Abilify is not coming off when I quit it.  The Abilify makes me feel better than Zoloft.  I am so tired of taking all these pills.  It is never ending.  Sometimes I wish I were dead because I have so much shit to deal.  But you know what?  I also have lots of good things.  Things that I don't want to leave.  I would effect others if I were not here.  I would effect my dogs and cat.  Suicide is a very selfish act.  Second thought, I am glad I am here.  I just get really tired sometime.

Anyone reading this?  Leave comments please.

This is Me!

I am Kat.  I had an eating disorder when I was in elementary school and then in High School I started restricting rather than over eating.  Then in college it got a lot worse.  People were telling me not to lose any more weight,  But I wanted to and would have if I had not gone into the hospital to recover.  The thing about UCLA NPI is that they said they had an eating disorder program but it was very small and almost non-existent.  But I went anyway and learned how to eat again through Behavior Modification.  So they changed the behavior but they didn't change the obsession or the reason for the obsession.  So I went many years not starving, or taking laxative or exercising compulsively.  But I still hated my body.  I still was not comfortable in my skin.  So I went into the hospital when I was 28.  Lived my life with an odd relationship with food but I was eating.

Okay, shoot forward to age 49 and I learn that I have a 5 mm, 1st stage tumor in my right breast.  They do a lumpectomy...get it all...none in the lymph nodes and I have radiation.  All is well...I am cancer free.  Now I have to go on the 5 year meds called Femora.  Let me tell you...I gained 30 unexpected pounds in 2 months.  It went strait to my waist and settled there.  I ...then...relapsed into an Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified: Restrictive type.  I started eating as little as I possibly could without getting a huge headache.  I was so mad.  I lost 20 pounds through exercising and not eating much.  

So now we are 3 years later.  I am now starving myself.  I don't exercise because the cancer meds, fibromyalia, and starving makes me too tired.  So I am not exercising very much but part of me wants to do it compulsively.  I just don't have the energy for it.  Oh and last week I started taking laxatives.  An alter Leah decided that it was time to take laxatives again.  She sneaks them.  I (Kat) would like to work out more.  Oh and we are now entering all our food that we eat into My Fitness Pal.  I am keeping my calories low and only eating 15 or less sugar a day.  And I am still fat because I am still on the drug and will be for 2 more years.  I need to loose 25 - 35 pounds.  That will put me anywhere from 125- 134.  I am fat and I hate it.  I have a big belly from the meds and I hate it.  So I am doing something to change it.  NOW.

So we discussed my cancer free body, my eating disorder, and DID.  If you have any questions please comment.